30 May 2007

The Saga Continues

A little more action today in Survivor: The Agent Pool for our viewers. Look for a cameo spot by the Author-ese Translator later...

Agent 1 is out of the competition. In the traditional good-bye speech, Agent 1 lamented:
As to your material I'm afraid I must pass -- I'm just not enthusiastic enough about the premise of your story to feel that I'd be the right agent for the project.
The translator has been fitted with new industrial-strength bearings after the last snafu, and is ready for anything...

*chug, chug, chug*
Space pirates? What the hell are you thinking, fool? Nobody writes about space pirates. Nobody outside of maybe really BAD Pirates of the Caribbean fanfic...
And then moves on...
I realize it is difficult to judge your potential from a query; nevertheless please know that I give serious attention to every letter, outline, and writing sample I receive. Sorry I couldn't give you a more positive reply.
*whirrrrrrrrrrr*
It took me a whole of maybe 30 minutes of attention to realize this book was going to suck big hairy donkey balls...a more positive reply would have required more time than I was actually willing to spend on this dreck.
So sorry, Agent 1...better luck next time. As a parting gift, please accept these slightly worn bearings for an Author-ese Translator.

Agent 6 rounds out our highlight reel today, setting off the Translator's early detection & warning initiation (EDWIN) system. With this fabulous upgrade, the Translator can actually read through responses and alert the user to when it should require translation. This frees up the user to work on crappy query letters and synopses for sending out to the masses (also known as tossing chum in the water) instead of sorting through responses and making his or her own decisions on what should be translated.
As you may know, I run a very small business and unfortunately there are periods when the time that I have to consider new material is very limited. Unfortunately you've caught me during one of those periods. Since I can not offer to consider your work in a timely manner I must pass with the hope that you will find an agent who can offer the attention that this deserves.
EDWIN was tipped off by the fact Agent 6 noted the package came at the wrong time, but never alluded to what time might be better, followed up by a claim of passing on the project due to not being able to consider the work in a timely manner.

The translator is not impressed...and has now fulfilled its mandatory warm-up cycle.
30 minutes was way too much time for me to look through this package (only a query), so I cut it down to about 30 seconds. I saw your first bit about space pirates and asked myself "WTF? Nobody writes about space pirates. What the hell were you thinking?" If I act fast, maybe you'll pass along this dreck to one of my other larger competitors and drag them down into the slush pile abyss...
3 down...the action is just heating up.
Tune in tomorrow and see more highlights as they're piped into the clubhouse...